SV Pegasus Catalina 36 Time for a giggle
SV Pegasus
SV Pegasus
 Stupid Cruiser Tricks
& complete waste of time
 Stupid Cruiser Tricks
& complete waste of time
 Stupid Cruiser Tricks
& complete waste of time
A few things we thought of when we had nothing better to do

THE DOOFUS WINDSCALE  /)  DEAR NIGEL  /)  THE PELICAN DIVE  /)  CRUISER CARICATURES  /)  THE PYRAT COOKBOOK
WHY JOHN USUALLY GETS UP FIRST  /) STANDARD SAILING ORDERS  /) THE POCKET YARDARM
THE DRINKING LAMP  /) New YA TING THE ONLINE COIN-OPERATED ORACLE FOR CRUISERS
New /) ( ( ( THE OLD CRUISERS RADIO NET ) ) )  /) PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS & LINKAGE


1. THE DOOFUS WINDSCALE

Because we can never remember the Beaufort windscale terms
and sea states we have devised a more cruiser friendly windscale.

FORCE OBSERVATIONS WIND SPEED Kt.
0       Dark ?
1       Calm 0
2       Perfect Weather  5
3       MUST pee off lee side 10
4       Can't light cigarette 15
5       Hats blow off 20
6       Can't light barbeque 25
7       Dog's jowls flap 30
8       Buffalo running 35
9       Anchor dragging 40
10      Flags shred 50
11      Sails shred 60
12      Full beers blow away 70
13      TV blows away 80

2. DEAR NIGEL

Dear Nigel,

My sink won't drain.

P. Lug
S/V Feebly
Lying Somewhere

Dear Nigel

Dear Mr Lug, thanks ever so for writing. Your problem is
easily solved; just drill a 1 3/4" diameter hole through 
the hull directly below your sink.  Install a standard,
bronze through-hull with a mushroom fitting, 
and enough ABYC 305 sanitary hose to reach 
from the through hull to your sink. Attach the hose with
four (4) 316 SS hose clamps, reversed. 
You might have to adapt the hose to the opening
in the bottom of your sink (see diagram). 
Remove the stopper from the sink, open the through-hull, 
and the sink will drain.

If the sink still does not drain use an 8" sponge to soak up the water and transfer it to an ISO 365.7.24 bucket. Then throw the water overboard. Love, Nigel

3. THE PELICAN DIVE


Announcer: (Softly)

"And here's Mick 'Pouchface' Wayne with his third
 and final dive in the gold medal round of the
 10 meter world platform diving competition.

"He's starting well up on the edge of the platform,
 . . . there's been a rumor about, that he's
 going to do something unusual.

"And here he goes, and yes, yes, its true, 
Mick does an absolutely perfect Pelican Dive.

"And here come the judges' scores, 
and no surprises here, . . . zero, zero, zero, and zero.


4. CRUISER CARICATURES

Super Cruiser
He built their boat or renovated a wreck.  Somewhere below deck
he has every tool known to man.  He's skinny and never wears
a shirt.  She sewed all the canvas, cushions and hanging 
storage compartments. She buys bulk food and vacuum seals it, 
bakes bread in a pressure cooker, and grows herbs on the boat.  
Even so, she's not a girly girl and he's not a macho man - 
she can rebuild the head and he can sew a ripped sail.  
With their water maker, solar panels and wind generator, 
they are self sufficient and hardly ever stay in marinas.  
They know Lin & Larry Pardey personally.  When asked for advice, 
their response is unusable because it only applies to their 
completely customized boat and life style.

Single-Hander
Almost always a male, he sails alone because his significant 
other doesn't like sailing, because he's a real loner, or because 
no one can stand being cooped up on a boat with him.  
His boat is small and the cabin looks more like a garage 
than living space.  Old parts and tools are strewn about everywhere.  
He eats sandwiches, cheese, crackers and canned foods, 
sometimes cold out of the can. He's restless and sails far and wide. 
He will talk your ear off if given half a chance, and has a lot of good 
tips on how to do things efficiently because he's had to figure out 
how to do it all by himself.

Macho Man
He learned to sail by joining a racing club and is an adrenalin junkie.  
The rougher and windier the weather, the better he likes it.  
His wife knows nothing about sailing because he does it all.  
If he falls overboard, she's doomed.  Surprisingly, she's often 
a girly girl with perfect hair, make-up and clothes.  You get the 
impression that she would be happier ashore.  We don't ask him 
for advice because we are wimpy newcomers (see below).

Senile Seventy-Something
They've sailed Mexico and the Caribbean and have circumnavigated 
the globe, but now you wonder how they make it through the day 
without burning down their boat. They spend all day tinkering with 
something that was never broken and break several other things 
in the process.  As they make plans to sail to the Galapagos, 
you hope that they will perform better at sea.  
Meanwhile, the kids are trying to get them into a condo.  
Their sailing stories are entertaining, at least the first time 
they tell them, and they offer good advice if you catch 
them in a lucid moment.

Half Timers
It's hard to poke fun at these cruisers.  They are retired, 
relatively affluent and seem to have it made.  They spend 
the summers at home in Colorado, Alaska or Canada and 
migrate south for the winter.  Their boats are well equipped 
and the living space is beautifully decorated, neat and clean.  
They spend a lot of time at their home marina getting their 
boat in the water and doing annual maintenance chores 
before their two month cruise. They are the social butterflies 
of the dock, flocking with all their snowbird friends from 
previous years.  They wear monogrammed boat shirts, 
fill their bilges with good wine, and eat out often. 
They are a good source of advice. They are experienced but 
can still relate to newcomers because they start over again each year.  

Youngsters     
These people squeeze sailing into otherwise full lives on land.  
They are young, have jobs and children, but make regular 
pilgrimages to the sea.  They go out in weather that we consider 
inhospitable and even dangerous.  They can't be bothered sitting 
around the marina in the short time they have available to enjoy 
their boat.  However, they seem to have an aversion to the sun, 
and in the heat of the summer wear long sleeved shirts, long pants 
and hats.  It's difficult to ask them for advice because they are 
motoring away from the dock within two hours of pulling into the parking lot. 

Wimpy Newcomers
They are overly cautious.  They didn't grow up around water and boats, 
but somehow realized the dream of owning a boat and don't want 
to screw up now.  They waste a lot of time waiting for the perfect day
to go out - enough wind to sail, but not toooo windy.  He still wears a 
shirt and his feet have a polka-dot tan from the holes in his crocs. 
She seeks out other women and asks, "What can I do about the smelly head?"  
"What can I do about the smelly drains?" "What can I do about
the smelly husband?"  They like staying at marinas.  They have a 
gazillion questions and absorb advice like a sponge.  
(Yes, we  are wimpy newcomers.)

Real Sailors
Everyone knows a real sailor, they spend all their time out sailing or
at the dock doing major repairs with stainless steel wire, large pieces of wood,
and a bosun's knife. Real sailors don't have refrigerators, water makers, 
GPS or bathrooms; their boats don't gleam but they do look shipshape,
and often have curious gear from the 16th century on them, still in working order. 
It is difficult to get advice from Real Sailors, they ignore dumb questions,
and answer worthy questions with arcane talk about tools, materials
and methods that you have to be a Real Sailor to understand.

Captain Yell
The nicest, calmest guy ashore can turn into Captain Yell just by
stepping aboard his boat. Everything has to be done his way, and NOW!
Captain Yell can do very little by himself, he has to have someone else
to order around, even if its just mixing drinks and dishing up the hor's
d'oevres. Captain Yell is at his best during docking or anchoring, he's the only
competent helmsman aboard, so he always drives, while the crew try to
avoid making him look bad. Captain Yell is sometimes accompanied
by First Mate Peevish, they make a great couple.

Wannabes
You'll find them wandering around marinas as if they are 
looking for their friends' boat.  You can easily spot them 
because they dress much nicer than cruisers. They are 
eager to strike up a conversation and listen to the story of 
how you ended up on a boat in Mexico.  They are green with 
envy and good for the egos of wimpy newcomers who often 
feel incompetent.  They are likeable, and everyone is kind to wannabes. 

Clueless Newbies
These guys bought a boat because its cool, or because they got
suckered at a boat show. They leave their boat in its slip at the marina,
unattended, for months and months, then suddenly show up,
throw a load of groceries aboard and push off.
If they're lucky they make it back to the dock within hours, complaining
that 'something broke' or, if they're not so lucky, we hear them on the 
radio, calling for help. Sometimes a Clueless Newbie is partnered with
a Captain Yell, and we hear lots of shouting and screaming around the docks
while the newbie learns that there's no room for anything aboard a boat,
that there's no privacy, and there are new rules.

Local Characters
These people may have cruised at one time, but maybe not.  
They are essentially ex-pats who have parked their boats in a 
marina or an anchorage and live aboard.  They wear flowered 
shirts and know all the restaurant nightly specials and happy 
hours. Many are community volunteers, running the local 
cruiser nets, organizing charity events and making the 
rest of us look good.  Others are of questionable character? 
Either way, they are great sources for local knowledge. 

The Jumboater
Not really a cruiser but a common fixture at all the more expensive 
marinas. The jumboater has a 100 foot plus motoryacht and an ego to match.
Sometimes the jumboater's crew consists of the nicest, most relaxed
people on the dock. After all, they're staying in the same marina as the 
rest of us but they are getting paid. Sometimes the jumboater's crew
becomes infected with the owner's attitude: we are the biggest boat
on the dock so we own the dock; they park their motorscooter right
in front of your dockbox; if you hang your towels out to dry they'll
use them to wash & wax their boat; they'll leave cans of paint 
& varnish on your deck while they eat lunch, and they leave all
their lights on all night. You can tell if the jumboat is going out because 
for two days beforehand the crew hauls provisions down the dock and 
stacks them along your finger. The owner's immediate arrival is preceeded
by enough luggage for a circus. Strangely enough, though, we always
have some nagging jealousy about the magnificence of jumboats
except, of course, when they spend all day at the fuel dock.

Seriously, we've never met more generous, tolerant, helpful, friendly, and interesting people. We love them one and all!
5.Roger the Parrot
… some of our favorite dishes
from THE PYRAT COOKBOOK

Steak Tartaargh
Aarugala Salad
Hamburgaars
Yo Ho Hotdogs and a bottle of Rum
Lobstaars

6. WHY JOHN USUALLY GETS UP FIRST
Captain John in the morning Captain John in the morning,
or Turn the light off! Turn the light off!MouseOver
Aaargh! Look out, it gets worse!MouseOver
Oh no! I warned you!MouseOver

A MOUSEOVER FEATURE

7.
STANDARD SAILING ORDERS

ATTEND TO CONDITIONS
REMAIN ABOARD
GET COMFY

OBEY ALL ORDERS OF THE SKIPPER
REPORT ANY UNAUTHORIZED WATER BELOW

REMEMBER WHERE THINGS ARE
ONE HAND FOR YOURSELF, ONE FOR THE VESSEL
WAIT FOR THE WEATHER

at the will & pleasure of the crew
Proceedings of the High Court, Assizes.
HCA 1/18f38 London, 1725


8. THE POCKET YARDARM
Hardly anybody has a yardarm aboard these days, 
how are you supposed to know when to light the
drinking lamp?

The Pocket Yardarm
THE POCKET YARDARM

Handy • Portable
Accurate • Reliable
Guaranteed
Traditional Square Rigger Quality

The Pocket Yardarm
The Pocket Yardarm
SHOWN ACTUAL SIZE

Easy to Operate
Simply face the sun and hold the pocket yardarm out at arm's length. If the sun is over the yardarm you may light the drinking lamp.

ONLY $79.95 ONLY $79.95
WHILE SUPPLIES LAST


9. THE DRINKING LAMP
Light up when it suits you.

This fine, marine-grade traditional lamp meets all Laughaboard Cruising requirements.

The Drinking Lamp
The Drinking Lamp
SHOWN IN ACTUAL COLOR

Easy to Operate
Requires grounded, 110 volt power.

ONLY $279.95 ONLY $279.95
WHILE SUPPLIES LAST


10.New

/) /) YA TING /) (\

The online coin-operated oracle for cruisers

ASK THE ORACLE

Ask and leave an offering
Coin Operated

"pay me now or pay me later"



We take credit cards
MAKE AN OFFERING
THEN CLICK - ASK -

The Ya Ting accepts
¢  Pennies
$  Pesos
£  Pounds
€  Euros
¥  Yen
Jewelry & watches
Doubloons
Credit Cards (whole)

NO REFUNDS

Answers appearing below are for random & mysterious purposes only, not to be used for navigation.


Wei Huk Wei Huk

Difficulty at the Beginning
The boat is slipped from the mooring or cast from the dock.
That which is going to break will break during the first day.


Flo Ting Flo Ting

The vessel is dry
The salt water is outside, all is well.
The boat goes across the sea.


Ray Ling Ray Ling

The edge of the vessel
That which that passes over the edge does not return.
The crew hangs on.


Drinky Drinky

Fresh water within
Making it or buying it, fresh water is available.
Several other beverages are also available.


The Mad Goat The Mad Goat

Command of a hill
The cruiser paints, patches, inspects and schemes.
No miles are made good.


Drifty Drifty

No wind, no wave.
The vessel is becalmed, good fortune.
No buffaloes, humpty-back camels or chimpanzees.




11. THE OLD CRUISERS RADIO NET

Radio Old Like an elephant shedding its skin the guy across the dock removes his wetsuit.
 

You do see the darndest things on the docks in marinas, the gringos try to keep things organized by socializing, by keeping an eye on each other and our comings & goings, directing guests and relating to the dock workers. Most cruising communities also practice an anachronistic ritual; in this day of cell phones, PDA's and online ear bud communications the cruisers run a live, daily radio network on the VHF.

Here's a typical agenda:

  1. Day & Date
  2. Emergency, Medical or Priority Traffic
  3. Check ins: Marinas/Anchorages, Moorings, ships at sea, cruisers ashore
  4. Arrivals & Departures
  5. Tides & Weather
  6. Mail, FAXes and Ham traffic
  7. Announcements
  8. Lost & Found
  9. Baywatch
  10. Rides & Crew
  11. Local Assistance
  12. Swaps & trades
  13. Gossip, Rumors, Trivia & Jokes

Pretty formal and comprehensive, isn't it? Yet, somehow, we feel it misses the mark - some nets rotate the duties of host among volunteers, some of whom have better radio discipline, voices, radios, manners and memories than others. We all know that the population of cruisers around here is aging, and we need an innovation in radio communications: a radio network that actually serves our needs.

Here's how that might work:
Note: on our VHF 'nets the host manages each agenda item and then controls traffic between other stations.

Radio Old ( ( ( THE OLD CRUISERS RADIO NET  ) ) ) Radio Old
Good morning and welcome to the Old Cruisers' Radio Network
1. Any news about grandkids?     … every day, every day
2. Check ins & reminders Traffic:
"Cosmic Drifter" Cosmic Drifter, take your blue pill this morning.
"Dutch" Dutch, you have a Doctor's appointment at ten.
"Cloud 8" Cloud 8, your wife's coming home today.
"Sunburn" Sunburn, good morning.
"Doc" Good morning Doc, hope you're feeling better.
"Tequila Jim" Teqila Jim, your'e up early!
"Sea Muffin" Good morning Sea Muffin.
"Chumbucket" Good morning.
"Dry Side" Good morning Dry Side, be sure to turn the stove off before you leave this morning.
"Deja Vu" Deja Vu, didn't you check in already?
"Dingbat" Dingbat, good morning, that's the third D-name in a row, are we doing this alphabetically today?
"Popeye" Good Morning salior man!
"Samson" Samson, good morning.
3. Weather Desk Today will be cooler than yesterday, wear your jacket.
Sundown's coming earlier too, so take a flashlight.
4. Arrivals or deaths Paul didn't check in, if you're near his place today see if he's alive.
5. Mail call … nothing ever heard there
6. Bathroom break << … >>
7. Baywatch (with David Hasselhoff) this runs 38 minutes without the adverts
8. Rides to the shops or home … nothing heard today
9. Wandered off or in Anyone talk to Paul today?
10. I Forgot Traffic:
"Part Way" Part Way. "Late check-in and I have an appointment at 9:30 this morning but I forgot who it's with."
"Chumbucket" Go ahead, Chumbucket. "Hey Don, you're supposed to meet me at my boat this morning"
"Part Way" Part Way. "Thanks, now I remember, see you then."
"Who's this?" Anyone know who that is?
"Cloud 8" Go ahead, Cloud 8. "That's Ed, he was staying at Del's new place last night."
"Ed?" Go ahead, Ed. "That's right, now I remember, I just woke up in a strange place and thought I was somebody else. Thanks"
"Dingbat" Go ahead, Dingbat. "Where's the yacht club? I know I'm a member but I forgot where it is."
"Sea Muffin" Sea Muffin. "The yacht club is right where we left it, Betty, upstairs from the coffee shop bathroom."
11. Local advice Traffic:
"Dry Side" Go ahead, Dry Side. "Anyone know who repairs Lay-Z-Boy recliners?"
"…" Nothing heard there, Dry Side, try again tomorrow.
12. Meds swap Traffic:
"Samson" Go ahead, Samson. "I've got 1,500 aspirin I'll trade for salt pills."
"Popeye" Popeye. "I'll trade ya, call you later."
"Sunburn" Go ahead, Sunburn. "I've got some old heart pills I'll trade for some of that there Viagara."
"Doc" Go ahead, Doc. "That's not a good idea Pete, why don't you stop by my office."

… thanks for listening, we appreciate your wasting your time with us.



12. PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS & LINKAGE

We don't actually encourage you to buy any of this, we just thought you'd like to know.
Foul Weather Gear

Foul Weather Gear

When the going gets tough the crew take cover, close up, and ride it out.
It is important to have something stylish and tasty that keeps you warm.

Boat Blender

The Boat Blender

This handy device actually works pretty well and is very entertaining;
when it fails it can be even more entertaining.
WARNING
  Do not use for guacamole until you have qualified at level III.




Here's John's new anti-social network time wasting thingy, please do not click it:Time, poultry time, information time, nap time, tea time, day time, island time, toddle time

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