A complete waste of time

A few things we thought of when we had nothing better to do

1. THE DOOFUS WINDSCALE

Because we can never remember the Beaufort windscale terms
and sea states we have devised a more cruiser friendly windscale.

FORCE	OBSERVATIONS		WIND SPEED Kt.
0	Dark			 ?
1	Calm			 0
2	Perfect Weather	 	 5
3	MUST pee off lee side	10
4	Can't light cigarette	15
5	Hats blow off		20
6	Can't light barbeque	25
7	Dog's jowls flap	30
8	Buffalo running		35	
9	Anchor dragging		40
10	Flags shred		50
11	Sails shred		60
12	Full beers blow away	70
13	TV blows away		80

2. DEAR NIGEL

Dear Nigel,

My sink won't drain.

		P. Lug
		S/V Feebly
		Lying Somewhere



Dear Mr Lug, thanks ever so for writing. Your problem is
easily solved; just drill a 1 3/4" diameter hole through 
the hull directly below your sink.  Install a standard,
bronze through-hull with a mushroom fitting, 
and enough ABYC 305 sanitary hose to reach 
from the through hull to your sink. Attach the hose with
four (4) 316 SS hose clamps, reversed. 
You might have to adapt the hose to the opening
in the bottom of your sink (see diagram). 
Remove the stopper from the sink, open the through-hull, 
and the sink will drain.


If the sink still does not drain use an  8" sponge to 
soak up the water and transfer it to an ISO 365.7.24 bucket.
Then throw the water overboard.

		Love, Nigel

3. THE PELICAN DIVE


Announcer: (Softly)

"And here's Mick 'Pouchface' Wayne with his third
 and final dive in the gold medal round of the
 10 meter world platform diving competition.

"He's starting well up on the edge of the platform,
 . . . there's been a rumor about, that he's
 going to do something unusual.

"And here he goes, and yes, yes, its true, 
Mick does an absolutely perfect Pelican Dive.

"And here come the judges' scores, 
and no surprises here, . . . zero, zero, zero, and zero.


4. CRUISER CARICATURES

Super Cruiser
He built their boat or renovated a wreck.  Somewhere below deck
he has every tool known to man.  He's skinny and never wears
a shirt.  She sewed all the canvas, cushions and hanging 
storage compartments. She buys bulk food and vacuum seals it, 
bakes bread in a pressure cooker, and grows herbs on the boat.  
Even so, she's not a girly girl and he's not a macho man - 
she can rebuild the head and he can sew a ripped sail.  
With their water maker, solar panels and wind generator, 
they are self sufficient and hardly ever stay in marinas.  
They know Lin & Larry Pardey personally.  When asked for advice, 
their response is unusable because it only applies to their 
completely customized boat and life style.

Single-Hander
Almost always a male, he sails alone because his significant 
other doesn't like sailing, because he's a real loner, or because 
no one can stand being cooped up on a boat with him.  
His boat is small and the cabin looks more like a garage 
than living space.  Old parts and tools are strewn about everywhere.  
He eats sandwiches, cheese, crackers and canned foods, 
sometimes cold out of the can. He's restless and sails far and wide. 
He will talk your ear off if given half a chance, and has a lot of good 
tips on how to do things efficiently because he's had to figure out 
how to do it all by himself.

Macho Man	
He learned to sail by joining a racing club and is an adrenalin junkie.  
The rougher and windier the weather, the better he likes it.  
His wife knows nothing about sailing because he does it all.  
If he falls overboard, she's doomed.  Surprisingly, she's often 
a girly girl with perfect hair, make-up and clothes.  You get the 
impression that she would be happier ashore.  We don't ask him 
for advice because we are wimpy newcomers (see below).

Senile Seventy-Something
They've sailed Mexico and the Caribbean and have circumnavigated 
the globe, but now you wonder how they make it through the day 
without burning down their boat. They spend all day tinkering with 
something that was never broken and break several other things 
in the process.  As they make plans to sail to the Galapagos, 
you hope that they will perform better at sea.  
Meanwhile, the kids are trying to get them into a condo.  
Their sailing stories are entertaining, at least the first time 
they tell them, and they offer good advice if you catch 
them in a lucid moment.

Half Timers
It's hard to poke fun at these cruisers.  They are retired, 
relatively affluent and seem to have it made.  They spend 
the summers at home in Colorado, Alaska or Canada and 
migrate south for the winter.  Their boats are well equipped 
and the living space is beautifully decorated, neat and clean.  
They spend a lot of time at their home marina getting their 
boat in the water and doing annual maintenance chores 
before their two month cruise. They are the social butterflies 
of the dock, flocking with all their snowbird friends from 
previous years.  They wear monogrammed boat shirts, 
fill their bilges with good wine, and eat out often. 
They are a good source of advice. They are experienced but 
can still relate to newcomers because they start over again each year.  

Youngsters     
These people squeeze sailing into otherwise full lives on land.  
They are young, have jobs and children, but make regular 
pilgrimages to the sea.  They go out in weather that we consider 
inhospitable and even dangerous.  They can't be bothered sitting 
around the marina in the short time they have available to enjoy 
their boat.  However, they seem to have an aversion to the sun, 
and in the heat of the summer wear long sleeved shirts, long pants 
and hats.  It's difficult to ask them for advice because they are 
motoring away from the dock within two hours of pulling into the parking lot. 

Wimpy Newcomers
They are overly cautious.  They didn't grow up around water and boats, 
but somehow realized the dream of owning a boat and don't want 
to screw up now.  They waste a lot of time waiting for the perfect day
to go out - enough wind to sail, but not toooo windy.  He still wears a 
shirt and his feet have a polka-dot tan from the holes in his crocs. 
She seeks out other women and asks, "What can I do about the smelly head?"  
"What can I do about the smelly drains?" "What can I do about
the smelly husband?"  They like staying at marinas.  They have a 
gazillion questions and absorb advice like a sponge.  
(Yes, we  are wimpy newcomers.)

Real Sailors
Everyone knows a real sailor, they spend all their time out sailing or
at the dock doing major repairs with stainless steel wire, large pieces of wood,
and a bosun's knife. Real sailors don't have refrigerators, water makers, 
GPS or bathrooms; their boats don't gleam but they do look shipshape,
and often have curious gear from the 16th century on them, still in working order. 
It is difficult to get advice from Real Sailors, they ignore dumb questions,
and answer worthy questions with arcane talk about tools, materials
and methods that you have to be a Real Sailor to understand.

Captain Yell
The nicest, calmest guy ashore can turn into Captain Yell just by
stepping aboard his boat. Everything has to be done his way, and NOW!
Captain Yell can do very little by himself, he has to have someone else
to order around, even if its just mixing drinks and dishing up the hor's
d'oevres. Captain Yell is at his best during docking or anchoring, he's the only
competent helmsman aboard, so he always drives, while the crew try to
avoid making him look bad. Captain Yell is sometimes accompanied
by First Mate Peevish, they make a great couple.

Wannabes
You'll find them wandering around marinas as if they are 
looking for their friends' boat.  You can easily spot them 
because they dress much nicer than cruisers. They are 
eager to strike up a conversation and listen to the story of 
how you ended up on a boat in Mexico.  They are green with 
envy and good for the egos of wimpy newcomers who often 
feel incompetent.  They are likeable, and everyone is kind to wannabes. 

Clueless Newbies
These guys bought a boat because its cool, or because they got
suckered at a boat show. They leave their boat in its slip at the marina,
unattended, for months and months, then suddenly show up,
throw a load of groceries aboard and push off.
If they're lucky they make it back to the dock within hours, complaining
that 'something broke' or, if they're not so lucky, we hear them on the 
radio, calling for help. Sometimes a Clueless Newbie is partnered with
a Captain Yell, and we hear lots of shouting and screaming around the docks
while the newbie learns that there's no room for anything aboard a boat,
that there's no privacy, and there are new rules.

Local Characters
These people may have cruised at one time, but maybe not.  
They are essentially ex-pats who have parked their boats in a 
marina or an anchorage and live aboard.  They wear flowered 
shirts and know all the restaurant nightly specials and happy 
hours. Many are community volunteers, running the local 
cruiser nets, organizing charity events and making the 
rest of us look good.  Others are of questionable character? 
Either way, they are great sources for local knowledge. 

The Jumboater
Not really a cruiser but a common fixture at all the more expensive 
marinas. The jumboater has a 100 foot plus motoryacht and an ego to match.
Sometimes the jumboater's crew consists of the nicest, most relaxed
people on the dock. After all, they're staying in the same marina as the 
rest of us but they are getting paid. Sometimes the jumboater's crew
becomes infected with the owner's attitude: we are the biggest boat
on the dock so we own the dock; they park their motorscooter right
in front of your dockbox; if you hang your towels out to dry they'll
use them to wash & wax their boat; they'll leave cans of paint 
& varnish on your deck while they eat lunch, and they leave all
their lights on all night. You can tell if the jumboat is going out because 
for two days beforehand the crew hauls provisions down the dock and 
stacks them along your finger. The owner's immediate arrival is preceeded
by enough luggage for a circus. Strangely enough, though, we always
have some nagging jealousy about the magnificence of jumboats
except, of course, when they spend all day at the fuel dock.

Seriously, we've never met more generous, tolerant, helpful, friendly, and interesting people. We love them one and all!

… some of our favorite dishes

from THE PYRAT COOKBOOK: Steak Tartaargh; Aarugala Salad; Hamburgaars; Yo Ho Hotdogs and a bottle of Rum; Lobstaars

6. WHY JOHN USUALLY GETS UP FIRST
 

Captain John in the morning, 
or 
Turn the light off! Turn the light off!

  Aaargh! Look out, it gets worse!

  Oh no! I warned you!


A MOUSEOVER FEATURE

STANDARD SAILING ORDERS

ATTEND TO CONDITIONS
REMAIN ABOARD
GET COMFY

OBEY ALL ORDERS OF THE SKIPPER
REPORT ANY UNAUTHORIZED WATER BELOW

REMEMBER WHERE THINGS ARE
ONE HAND FOR YOURSELF, ONE FOR THE VESSEL
WAIT FOR THE WEATHER

at the will & pleasure of the crew
Proceedings of the High Court, Assizes.
HCA 1/18f38 London, 1725

8. THE POCKET YARDARM
Hardly anybody has a yardarm aboard these days, 
how are you supposed to know when to light the
drinking lamp?

THE POCKET YARDARM

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